Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Doubt

There is a point where doubt sets in...

Can I really take this Burning Vengeance (or Furnace Celebration or Raid Bombardment... I have an unnatural fixation with 3 mana build-around-me enchantments). I know that I want to, but can I really justify it? It's so early in the draft... do I really want to force this archetype? Again?

I agonize. There are actual good picks here, and I know it. It's only Pack 1, Pick 3 and I should be taking that sweet removal. "Is it even a good deck?" I ask myself under my breath. "So many things have to go right for this to even be viable."

I shuffle the pack again, bringing the Vengeance to the front, flicking the cards to swap it with a couple other cards that I'm looking at.

Removal. *flick*
Vengeance. *flick*
Value Creature. *flick*
Vengeance again...



There is a point where doubt sets in...

I click the pen again. I'm technically at work, but the last few pages of my notepad are full of scribbled half-decklists. Work is going on around me, but my heart isn't in it. These days, it feels like things have been self-destructing. People are quitting every other week, and no one seems to be happy. Is this a job that I can keep doing? How long am I going to keep wasting myself here?

I tune out the real world and start writing again:

That Ooze in the Mirror

4 Necrotic Ooze
4 Birthing Pod
4 Merfolk Looter
3 Laboratory Maniac
1 Mirror-Mad Phantasm
4 Birds of Paradise
2 Civilized Scholar
1 Skaab Ruinator
1 Aether Adept
1 Bloodline Keeper
1 Skinrender
1 Sun Titan
1 Frost Titan
1 Grimgrin, Corpse-Born
1 Molten-tail Masticore
1 Phyrexian Metamorph
3 Deranged Assistant
1 Kessig Cagebreakers
1 Acidic Slime

I stop and look at my list... I wonder if I might be overly fascinated with Ooze combo decks. It's certainly not the best build of this, but what can I really expect when I don't have the time to playtest? Work exhausts me more than ever these days. Where would the time even come from?

The deck seems promising, though. Or on second thought, maybe appealing is the right word. It's got all the things I like - Necrotic Ooze combos ( Bloodline Keeper + Grimgrin = arbitrarily large Ooze; Ooze + Phantasm + Laboratory Maniac = Win... maybe), wacky rules interactions (Ooze + Civilized Scholar), and alternate win conditions but.... That's not enough to make it... well... good?

I've never really built a Pod deck before. I don't even know if this will work. I start to wonder what I'm trying to accomplish. Am I trying to win at FNM? At States? Am I trying to go pro? The more I think about it, the more I realize that something's got to change if I want to do something substantial.



There is a point where doubt sets in...

I've made mistakes in this draft. Maybe a lot of mistakes. Probably more than a lot, now that I think of it.

But I'm looking at possible redemption in pack 2 - someone just passed me Olivia Voldaren. I take it, right? Is this even a question?

But somehow, I still hesitate.

There's a voice in my head saying "I just need to snag that second Burning Vengeance. No one else will take it, I can just grab it." I shake it off. What else could I even take in this pack? Some random Think Twice? A Silent Departure? Solid cards, sure, but really?

"It's such a fun deck though! It would be great!"

How is this not an easy pick?

Lousy stupid voices in my head...



There is a point where doubt sets in...

I can't sleep. Outside there is the rumble of a street cleaner, but that's not what's keeping me up. Laying there, thoughts rush in and out of my head. I shake off the ones about work, and the ones about starting up with a new job. I shake off my worries about picking up and moving out of the city, and all the associated uncertainty of my situation.

And what rises to the surface, as always, is Magic. But the doubt doesn't end with that. Tonight, I can only think of my latest deck and of an incredible volume of misplays.

I was right to worry before. It's far too complicated for me right now. I have no way of knowing if the deck is even good at all, since I haven't played a game that wasn't plagued by poor decisions. I'm not the strongest player, but I am certainly not a weak one... but still, there are too many decisions to make, and without a lot of playtesting, I know that I won't have to context to know how to resolve those decisions.

What do I want then? Because if I do want to play in States, I start realizing more and more clearly that I cannot play this deck. So now what? I start to wonder what to do, but in the depths of worry and self-doubt, inspiration strikes. I grab the notebook and pen from my bedside and start to write:

Rock Zombies

4 Mesa Enchantress
4 Zombie Infestation
3 Intangible Virtue
3 Gravedigger
3 Endless Ranks of the Dead
4 Cemetery Reaper
4 Diregraf Ghoul
4 Oblivion Ring
3 Dead Weight
2 Auramancer
1 Nevermore
1 Ghoulcaller's Chant

It's informed a little by card availability. Especially having been built somewhat last-minute. But it feels good. I feel good. With the Enchantress offsetting Zombie Infestation a bit, and the fair number of Zombie-boosting effects, things seemed to be coming together. And the Dead Weight + Auramancer interaction just looks better and better the more I think about it. This is something I can use.

For the first time in weeks, I have a moment of clear serenity. I set down my notebook and lay my head down to dream of a plaque with my name on it.



There is a point where doubt sets in...

This pool is a mess. This is what happens when you don't make a decision. When you waver and let your doubt take hold of you. Barely enough playables in any combination of colors, and no real direction. I wasted so many picks that it doesn't even look like I can play the Olivia Voldaren that I wound up taking. That second Burning Vengeance that never arrived snickers somewhere in its foil-wrapped cocoon.

But this is no time for those sorts of worries. This is where the magic really happens. Where we find out what we can really do. How good a deckbuilder I really am.

The doubt leaves my mind as I force myself to clear my head and focus. I lay out my cards into columns by mana cost. "It isn't such a terrible deck," I tell myself. "And I don't need the Vengeance to get value out of Feeling of Dread. Still, three colors? Am I really splashing red just for a one-of Vengeance?"

Not that I have much choice at this point.



There is a point where doubt sets in... But it's up to us whether we let it distract us - whether we let it pull us in every direction at once - or whether we use it, and let it drive us to find a better path. Doubt is merely a tool. We listen to it, feel its tug, but what really matters comes from within: Decisiveness.

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